Guess this is what i was talking about the other day.

writdesignphotoreaderforthebigdreamer...or something like that.

What happened to dreams? What happened to thinking I could do whatever I put my heart and mind to? What happened to making my life count and using the talents I was given?

I don’t think it’s just me. A lot of people I’ve talked to say the same thing. It’s like we’re going through college to check it off on our list, but in the midst, we lose the very vision we had that made us want to pursue a college education in the first place.

It’s to do something big- to develop the talents we were blessed with, to come alive. Funny how I say “come alive” when a flat heart rate is all I feel towards the end of this semester (JK…kinda ; ).

But, really…as kids we’re taught that we should dream big and reach for the stars. That’s so easy to do before the world laughs at you and announces that you’re going crazy. Publish a book? Yeah, right. Start your own graphic design company? Do you know how many people are already trying to do that? The sad thing is that criticism from the outside begins to take root and soon enough you find yourself cutting down your own ideas. Become a professional photographer? Like you’re really that good- come on, get a grip. Run a marathon? OK…that will happen, um, never.

But, there are a select few- the few who choose to forgo the normal route of thinking and excel beyond human belief.

I think of people like Albert Einstein and Benjamin Franklin and Walt Disney. People who believed in themselves- really believed that they had something to contribute to this world that no one else could. Your name should be on that list because, while you may not know it, there’s a very big reason that you’ve been placed on this earth. And, those big dreams aren’t just floating around in that noggin for nothing! I should be on that list, too- we all have something that no one else has.

• I love to write. I feel like it clears my head and helps me sort through what I’m feeling. I guess it kinda makes me think I know what I’m talking about, too : ).

• Good design inspires me; in fact, good design literally makes me smile sometimes. There’s nothing better than seeing a brochure or logo and having that slow burn effect, where you go, “Oh…I see it. I get it. That’s so clever.”

• I love photography. It gives me the opportunity to capture a moment in time that no one will be able to return to. It reminds me to slow down and take in the beauty that’s around me.

• Reading (though I don’t have much time to read for leisure lately) is so refreshing, and being able to escape to a different time and place offers a new experience each time. I think this goes back to the “great contributors” I mentioned earlier. Picking up a book allows me to enter someone else’s mind, to get a feel of where they’re coming from. In essence, I receive the wisdom they’ve contributed, giving me a new perspective on things.

• I enjoy laughing and smiling and watching other people do the same.

That’s what I love. Those are the things that excite me, that drive me- that give me a reason.

This whole college-students- should-have-it-all-figured-out-with-a-ten-year-plan-and-five-internships-before-they-graduate-thing is a bit stressful. I mean really, how are we supposed to plan a life that’s so unpredictable?  I can’t even decide what to wear in the morning, needless to say what I want to do with my life.

I guess that’s because it seems so final. Like once I make a decision after college-that’s it! Game over. Stuck there the rest of your life. So it feels necessary that I choose wisely. I don’t want to get stuck doing something I hate. Even worse, I don’t want to get stuck doing something I love only halfway because I’m scared of dreaming big.

If only there were a job entitled writdesignphotoreaderforthebigdreamer! Although, that would be quite a mouthful for an introduction…

Miss Independent

I like to think I'm independent. I like to think I can handle whatever comes my way on my own. Is it just me, or don't we all? Isn't it so much easier to just deal with it yourself instead of involving everyone, instead of bothering them with all your problems and dragging them down with you?

My junior year dance solo was to the song "Miss Independent" by Kelly Clarkson. Here are some of the lyrics:

Miss Independent,
Miss Self-sufficient,
Miss Keep-your-distance.

Miss Unafraid,
Miss Out-of-my-way,
Miss Don't let a man interfere, no.

Miss On-her own,
Miss Almost grown,
Miss Never let a man help her off her throne.

So, by keeping her heart protected,
She'll never, ever feel rejected,
Little Miss Apprehensive,
Said ooh, she fell in love.

(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door,
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real,
What happened to Miss Independent's

No longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true.

 

Although I didn't know it at the time, this song describes me perfectly. I am more content keeping my heart closed off and hidden, covering whatever I don't want people to see, and often pushing them away as a result. It's not because I want to, it's because that's my natural instinct.

I'm sure you can relate- I feel like I'm supposed to have it figured out. I feel like, as a Christian, I am supposed to know the right thing to say or do, and know the right time to say it. But I don't. I feel like I shouldn't avoid the very God I love, but I do. I feel like I should follow His lead, but instead I follow my own and make it seem as if everything is hunky dory (spellcheck? : ).

It's not, it's not okay. These past few months have been incredibly insane, and while I tend to blame it on the stress of school, I know deep down that it's something more. I'm not right with God- I'm not into Him like I used to be. I'm not pursuing Him like He wants me to. Period. That's what's wrong. And if everything around me gets right, no matter how good it all seems, nothing will be right because that's still wrong.

The puzzle isn't complete without His piece, but why am I having such a hard time lately surrendering to Him? I know His plans are better than mine. I know His word is good and true. I know He will provide peace that surpasses all understanding.

Yet I choose to be Miss Independent, a girl telling Him to keep His distance. It's not what I want, but honestly, I don't even have the motivation to change it. And I know that's a dangerous place to be.

I was reading some of my blog posts (All that Sparkles) from last year and almost starting crying at some of the things I read. The stories I had forgotten. The times God showed up when I didn't expect Him to. Reading about enjoying life with Him made me long for it all over again. I want that, but not that sacrifice. I want to know Him, but not the hours of Bible study. I feel like right now, it would be just one more thing to add to my to do list.  What is that? What in the world is my problem lately?

My Life

Good Reminders

Found:  http://www.welivenow.org/

Real People Are More Interesting.

Sorry I haven’t kept up with this lately. Here goes my ever-lame excuse: school. No, I’m not being dramatic about the incredibly massive amount of homework and tests and projects and research papers and quizzes and…well, you get my point. The professors are definitely conspiring against us this semester- Nova students are in agreement.

But, enough about complaining- I spend too much of my life wasted on that when I should be living. So…we have a new project in my Mass Media class (one that I’m actually kind of excited about, should I find the time to complete it : ).

We have to create our own mass medium content (i.e. radio show, TV series, magazine, newspaper, book, etc.) I’m designing a magazine- not quite sure of the name yet, but I’ll give you the rundown. Basically, it’s going to be stories, stories of everyday people living ordinary but interesting lives. I don’t know about you, but I LOVE running into those people that can just captivate you with a good story. Whether it’s about their first love, children, religion, an embarassing moment, whatever- I am going to compile these stories. Oh, and my favorite part- photos. Sort of photo journalism- whether it's raw portraits of the "storyteller" or pictures that depict their story.  I want it to come from an unusual angle- opening the magazine will be like rediscovering the world, and rediscovering the people around you who have so much to contribute but often go unnoticed or unheard.  A definite coffee shop feel, very casual, and genuine.  Yeah, genuine- that's the key here!

Sound like a good idea? Sound kinda cheesy? I’m thinking a combination of them both, but I’m hoping for the best. The way I see it in my mind, it’s gonna be great! But, we all know how that goes sometimes…lol.

So, part of my Thanksgiving Break will be spent shooting photos and capturing stories. It’s fun to see excitement in the mundane, and I am usually very guilty for forgetting that. Maybe this little (well, big) project will help.

If I run into you- no hesitation- you must cooperate fully, or else…I fail. Haha, just kidding. But, hey, it made you want to share, right?

(Oh, and model credit to Morgie up there for being "real" in front of the camera...hope she doesn't mind this one : )