A Quick Wander in the Wilderness

So, I'm a little behind on my blogging.  Ever since I moved out of the dorms last Thursday, I've just been going, going, going (in a good way).  I never knew a girl could have so many appointments in one week...I'm trying to squeeze everything in before I leave.  So far, it's working : )

You are probably not going to believe this when I tell you, but God has raised $3,850 already!  To think that all the details of my trip are coming together in less than 27 days still blows me away.  It's funny when I reflect on the day I got my acceptance letter.  They emphasized in the letter to make quick preparations, because the trip begins in 27 days.  For the next few days, that's all I focused on- 27 days, 27 days, 27 days!  I got so stinkin' stressed out and anxious that I was a nervous wreck.  Then I started focusing on God.  That's when everything began to fall together.  Have you ever heard that quote "Don't focus on the size of your waves, focus on the size of your God."? I love that!  It's so true.  When you realize just how big and awesome and powerful God is, the circumstances in your life certainly start to shrink in both size and intensity.  Soon, those stressful situations get turned into adventures where you get to see God move in ways you could have never imagined.  That's what's been happening to me.  Now, I think it's kind of fun when something seems impossible to do.  Then, I wait in anticipation and say, "Okay, God, I can't wait to see how you're gonna pull this one off!" He sure is a lot more creative than I : ) This isn't to say I don't still have my moments of doubt- that strikes us all- I just think God has taught me a lot over these past few weeks about resting in His perfect provision and timing.

We studied Deuteronomy 8 at Eikon last week...not my typical book of study, but it was perfect for what I was going through!  I felt like I had taken this big step to go to Patmos (and like I mentioned earlier) started freaking out.  I was confused and didn't know if I had made the right decision- I was reluctant to tell some people because it felt like it wasn't really going to happen.  Looking back, it was a whole bunch of the Devil clouding up my vision and causing me to doubt God's ability.  So, basically, I felt like I was just wandering around, in what I like to call "the funk."  You know those times when God seems so far away, but you know for a fact that He's right there?  You know those times when you try your very hardest to pray and study the Bible, but it's just not "happening"? That's where I was.  I was doing everything I thought was right, but something was missing.  Sounds a lot like the Israelites, now doesn't it?

Deuteronomy 8:2-5
2 Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.

As soon as the pastor read this, I went "That's why!" That's why I'm feeling this way.  God hasn't abandoned me- He's LED ME IN THE DESERT.  HE LED ME THERE!  God wanted to see how I would survive on the bare minimum- no warm, fuzzy feelings during worship time- no scenes with His overwhelming presence.  How will she react when it seems like everything she "needs" is gone...except for Me?  I think a lot of times we get so fixated on the "perfect worship set" or the lighting effects or the pastor who uses crazy illustrations or the people who go to church with us.  We forget that it has nothing to do with us or the people around us.  Forget all that junk- I just want Jesus!  I realized that no matter how put together everything is around me, it all felt like chaos without my eyes fixed in the right place.  I remember saying, "God, you feel so far away!" And, then I thought- my relationship with Christ shouldn't be based on feelings, but on truth.  Feelings come and go- blaze and wane- but, truth...that's here to stay!  Clinging to the truth of God's promises and holding fast to His Word is what gets us though the desert. 

3 He humbled you...

He also humbled me.  That's for sure.  You know those times when you think, "Finally! I'm doing something right- yes!" Well, God likes to remind us real quick that it's not us doing the good, but Him.  As soon as I tried with my strength, I once again realized that I was incapable.  I bet God's up there going, "I wonder just how many times we'll have to go over this with her." Praise the Lord for His loving patience with this kid : )

...causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. 4 Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years.



To say that He caused me to hunger might be an understatement! I had been on this spiritual high for a few weeks and was so used to everything going my way.  I bet most of you know this- it's no secret: it's so much easier to praise God when everything is good and dandy than when the going gets tough.  Isn't it?  So, God did prepare me for the wilderness.  He showed me time and time again answered prayers, open doors for opportunities, and friendships that propelled me further into His arms.  But when all the cushion around your relationship with Christ is no longer there, how do you react?  For me, it was a whole lotta drama queen and not a lot of clinging to the Word.  But, that's what the wilderness is for.  To teach us, to humble us, to remind us that He is all we need. 

And, I don't know if you caught verse 4, but the Israelites wandered for FORTY YEARS with clothes that didn't wear out, with feet that didn't swell.  In the desert.  That's just amazing.  So God.  He tests us, but He doesn't stop caring for us.  He supernaturally provides for our wilderness experiences, no matter how long they might drag on. 

So, a spiritual battle was alive in my heart, and I remember saying on Wednesday afternoon (before Eikon), "Okay, I give up.  I'm defeated.  I'm sick and tired of trying."  Christian- don't ever say that!  I might as well have said, "Devil, you win. You are victorious over Christ."  Ouch- how that must have broken my Savior' heart!  Jesus died so that I wouldn't be defeated, yet there I was declaring my defeat.  The same lips that sing "Your Grace is Enough" and "Mighty to Save" were saying, "God, you can't do it."  It's seriously like an arrow to the heart when I remember my attitude then, but praise God for new mercies and faithfulness each morning!

5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.

After hearing this message on Wednesday, I was reminded of purpose in the wild.  God didn't lead me there to punish or to torture me, but to refine me and develop my character.  He's a God of love, a God whose discipline we should enjoy because it ultimately makes us more like Him.  Too bad I was busy throwing a temper tantrum (boy, do I have a lot of growing up to do!).

But, all in all, lesson learned.  Thank You, Dad, for seeing the big picture, even if I seem miserable and disappointed in the process!  His wisdom never ceases to amaze me, especially when I look back and see His hand guiding me.

So, one last little tid bit...you should read the next part in Deuteronomy 8, especially if you're "in the wild" right now.

6 Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. 7 For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; 8 a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; 9 a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. 10 When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you.

With great obedience comes great reward.  God doesn't ignore your hard work.  When I read this passage, the word that keeps coming to mind is "lush." God is doing all this to bring us to a lush land, to a promised place where our needs are met and our expectations are widly exceeded!

My wilderness period didn't last for forty years, because God knew I wouldn't survive.  Each and every day, He's using life's situations and trials to develop my character and reveal His character to me.  There's no doubt, I'll have more wilderness experiences to come, but I should be better prepared.  For now, I've arrived at the last verse.  Praising the Lord for the good He has given me.  May I never forget it. Ever.

All That I Am

I read Psalm 103 this year on Good Friday, and it has become one of my absolute favorites! Lately, I've been reading Bible verses out loud instead of to myself, and you would not believe the difference it has made.  It's almost like I'm proclaiming it to myself- as if hearing it actually spoken makes it more real than simply reading it.  At first, I felt a little awkward.  With this Psalm, I just kept reading it over and over though.  It captures a heart that is full of gratefulness for what God has done.  It reminds me of forgiveness and love and patience and compassion- and weakness.  Yes, the last one is not a typo.

The more and more I get into God's Word, the more I realize just how weak I am and how much I need Him.  It seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life.  I talked about this in one of my posts a few weeks ago.  I had been striving to meet the "standards," to be "good enough" for God.  What a relief it has been to embrace His unconditional love once again!  It is so refreshing and rejuvinating once you realize that God doesn't love you any more or any less if you spend ten minutes in prayer or thirty.  That's why I love Psalm 103.  Praise, praise, praise.  Who else can love like He loves?

Verse 14 has been on my mind since Good Friday, and it has dramatically changed my thinking.  "For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust."  After reading that Psalm, you're probably thinking....okay, that wouldn't have been my pick, but let me explain.

I'M DUST!  I'm a big lump of dust!  God knows that.  Sometimes I try to puff myself up and act like I'm more than that.  I'M DUST!  I'm weak, and on my own, absolutely worthless.  I'm just a shell here on earth.  But, but....when Christ lives in me.  Wow.  Now that is something worth looking at.  When Christ lives in me and in You, people notice.  He disciplines me and corrects me and changes me, but "he remembers we are only dust."  When I fall short of God's glory, He isn't suprised.  He knows that I will.  What matters is the motivation of my heart.  Is my whole heart seeking after God?

I used to think that in order to seek fully after God, you had to be a devoted Christian who studied the Bible six hours a day and evangelized at least two (okay, maybe these numbers weren't always the same, but you get the idea).  The amazing thing about Christ is that He is everywhere- in the car, in my class, at the office.  God doesn't speak to me just from the Bible, and He doesn't use me to speak to others only when I set aside two hours.  Day in and day out, He purposes each and every move. 

Have you ever stopped to think about that?  I was walking home from the gym tonight, and I thought to myself....God knew exactly what time I would go to the gym tonight.  He knew how long I would run, when I would get tired, and when I would begin gasping for air (haha- just kidding). The crazy thing is He actually knew that not only for me, but for each and every person around me.  And He knew that I would be sitting here, on April 16, writing about Him.  And He knew that you would be reading this right now.  Crazy, isn't it?

Okay- back to the seeking fully after God idea (sorry for my tinge of ADD kicking in ; ).  I used to think in order to seek fully after God, you had to be chained to a desk praying and reading the Bible.  After your hours of study and prayer, you could then go boldly proclaim to others the Good News.  Only people in full time ministry can really serve God, or that's what I thought.  Well, God's been using me in ways I never thought possible.  Whether it's conversations at work, or with people in line at Chick N' Grill.  Every movement He purposes for a reason.  And the great thing about it all is that when your heart and mind are fully focused on Christ, you can be doing whatever it is you need to be doing and still glorify Him.  There's always what Tozer calls that "secret communion," that goes on between you and God.  If you love someone, they're always on your mind.  You can't wait to spend time with them and share with them what's been going on in your life, and you look forward to hearing about their life.

I now approach prayer not as a burden, but as a delight.  When I miss my morning time alone with God, I normally say, "Man, God, I missed you this morning.  Sorry about that."  I look forward to telling Him my deepest longings, my heart's desires, and my dreams.  Even more so, I love to hear Him.  I absolutely love hearing God's voice.  He never disappoints, never discourages.  His voice is always full of love and compassion.  So back to Psalm 103.  I can't say it enough.  "Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise His holy name.  Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me."