Miss Independent

I like to think I'm independent. I like to think I can handle whatever comes my way on my own. Is it just me, or don't we all? Isn't it so much easier to just deal with it yourself instead of involving everyone, instead of bothering them with all your problems and dragging them down with you?

My junior year dance solo was to the song "Miss Independent" by Kelly Clarkson. Here are some of the lyrics:

Miss Independent,
Miss Self-sufficient,
Miss Keep-your-distance.

Miss Unafraid,
Miss Out-of-my-way,
Miss Don't let a man interfere, no.

Miss On-her own,
Miss Almost grown,
Miss Never let a man help her off her throne.

So, by keeping her heart protected,
She'll never, ever feel rejected,
Little Miss Apprehensive,
Said ooh, she fell in love.

(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door,
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real,
What happened to Miss Independent's

No longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true.

 

Although I didn't know it at the time, this song describes me perfectly. I am more content keeping my heart closed off and hidden, covering whatever I don't want people to see, and often pushing them away as a result. It's not because I want to, it's because that's my natural instinct.

I'm sure you can relate- I feel like I'm supposed to have it figured out. I feel like, as a Christian, I am supposed to know the right thing to say or do, and know the right time to say it. But I don't. I feel like I shouldn't avoid the very God I love, but I do. I feel like I should follow His lead, but instead I follow my own and make it seem as if everything is hunky dory (spellcheck? : ).

It's not, it's not okay. These past few months have been incredibly insane, and while I tend to blame it on the stress of school, I know deep down that it's something more. I'm not right with God- I'm not into Him like I used to be. I'm not pursuing Him like He wants me to. Period. That's what's wrong. And if everything around me gets right, no matter how good it all seems, nothing will be right because that's still wrong.

The puzzle isn't complete without His piece, but why am I having such a hard time lately surrendering to Him? I know His plans are better than mine. I know His word is good and true. I know He will provide peace that surpasses all understanding.

Yet I choose to be Miss Independent, a girl telling Him to keep His distance. It's not what I want, but honestly, I don't even have the motivation to change it. And I know that's a dangerous place to be.

I was reading some of my blog posts (All that Sparkles) from last year and almost starting crying at some of the things I read. The stories I had forgotten. The times God showed up when I didn't expect Him to. Reading about enjoying life with Him made me long for it all over again. I want that, but not that sacrifice. I want to know Him, but not the hours of Bible study. I feel like right now, it would be just one more thing to add to my to do list.  What is that? What in the world is my problem lately?