Decisions, Decisions.

My Mom mentioned to me a few weeks ago..."it doesn't matter what decision you make if the options are both good- just make a decision!"  Now, this statement can be taken out of context and applied in all sorts of wrong ways, but I think you'll catch my drift. 

My problem isn't that I act impulsively or irrationally.  It's that I don't act at all.  Once she pointed that out, I realized that it is one of the major stressors in my day-to-day life.  I face a problem, evaluate the options, and leave the decision for later because choosing just seems too hard.  Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, I contantly review my pro and con lists, never reaching a conclusion.
It's because I'm afraid to fail.  I will do anything it takes to do it right.  I don't want to mess up.  Let's be honest.  Does anyone?  But, I've come to realize these past few weeks, what's worse...moving and messing up, or not moving at all?  Doesn't the risk attached to the step of faith pay off in the end?
Roll with me here.  I step out on faith and mess up.  God redeems it and teaches me in the process, if I'm truly seeking His will.  Or, I stay where I am and stress out.  Nothing gets accomplished, and I'm an emotional wreck. 
I can remember even as a kid, the indecision I faced with something as simple as ordering at a restaurant. When I couldn't make up my mind, I'd just give the server three options and tell her, "Surprise me!"
No one can make the daily decisions I face now.  I can't just throw in the towel and say "Surprise me!" (Though God does like to do that sometimes!) The Lord has blessed me- yes, BLESSED me- with the ability to choose.  Instead of seeing it as a burden, I am learning to see it as one more opportunity to lean on Him.

*******

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Quick Update from Brazil : )

Hellooo, long lost blog friends! How I’ve missed you all over the past few weeks! I can’t believe it’s already been a month here at Patmos. To tell you I’ve been stretched beyond what I can handle is an understatement. Signing up for this discipleship program, I never realized just how intense it would be. At the same time, seeing how weak I am is revealing to me just how powerful Christ can be in me, if I choose to live in His strength rather than mine.


I would be lying if I told you it’s been all fun and games. My weeks here are filled with mixed emotions- excitement about what I have the opportunity to learn, fear about what is to come, and a longing to be home with family and friends…back in my comfort zone.

This is exactly where God wants me, though- outside of the realm of typical life. Pastor Chet said the first week that Patmos is normally for those stubborn enough to try on their own instead of letting God do the work He wants to do in the first place. Guilty, as charged. Doesn’t it seem like you know better than Him? Deep down, I know it’s a lie from Satan, but losing control seems scarier than maintaining it.

We’ve been challenged to get in the Word and hide it in our hearts. We have memory verses each day and must know them. I am learning what it means to truly meditate upon the Word, and I find that whenever I review a verse, God reveals something new and different about it that I never got before. It’s amazing how God can create a new experience each time with just a few words from Him. Without giving away information that I’m not supposed to, let’s just say that if you don’t know your verses, it hurts…physically and emotionally. It can not only affect you personally, but also your teammates. That happened to me today. I was off by one word for my verse. I suffered, and the team suffered with me. I felt horrible and blamed myself that everyone had to go through it. It was my fault. But, I wouldn’t have learned what I’m about to share.

The verse I had to recite was 1 Corinthians 2:9-10, “But as it is written, ‘Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.’ But God has revealed them to us THROUGH His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God.” I replaced the word “through” with the word “by.” I know what you’re probably thinking- that’s not really a big deal. But, when I thought about it, it was major conviction personally. That’s exactly what happens to me…I don’t work THROUGH the power of the Holy Spirit, I work on my own strength with the Holy Spirit BY me. He’s only my Helper when I specifically give Him access. Just like when I recited my verse. I never stopped to ask the Lord to help me, instead I relied on my studying and mental abilities to carry me through. That obviously failed. Slowly, I’m learning to change. God has to be my Everything all the time, not only when I feel like it.

That’s another thing that God’s been convicting me of lately. I realized just how consumed I am by my feelings and the circumstances around me. I allow what’s happening to determine my attitude, instead of focusing on the unwavering hope offered in Christ. “This hope we have an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters in the Presence behind the veil…” (Hebrews 6:19). Hope in the Lord draws me into His presence, and if that’s where I reside, I have no reason to fear or fret. Psalm 46 has been my theme here lately. When I feel like giving in because of all that is happening to me and around me, I remember:

1 God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear,
Even though the earth be removed,
And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
3 Though its waters roar and be troubled,
Though the mountains shake with its swelling.
4 There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God,
The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved;
God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.
6 The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved;
He uttered His voice, the earth melted.
7 The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge.
8 Come, behold the works of the LORD,
Who has made desolations in the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariot in the fire.
10 Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!
11 The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge.


There are many other lessons I could tell, but time just doesn’t permit. I can’t wait to share many more with you once I get the opportunity to see you at home. Please forgive me for not keeping up with the blog or emails, as I promised I would. I never realized how little time I would have to do so, and our email accounts make it difficult to start a list for updates.

Lastly, I cannot stress how truly thankful I am for all of the encouraging words and prayers you are sending me. You have no idea how those acts of kindness hit me at just the right time and remind me of the purpose in the midst of the confusion.

This rare occasion to write made my day : ) Please know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. Seek hard after Him, “…for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart” (Galatians 6:9).

A Quick Wander in the Wilderness

So, I'm a little behind on my blogging.  Ever since I moved out of the dorms last Thursday, I've just been going, going, going (in a good way).  I never knew a girl could have so many appointments in one week...I'm trying to squeeze everything in before I leave.  So far, it's working : )

You are probably not going to believe this when I tell you, but God has raised $3,850 already!  To think that all the details of my trip are coming together in less than 27 days still blows me away.  It's funny when I reflect on the day I got my acceptance letter.  They emphasized in the letter to make quick preparations, because the trip begins in 27 days.  For the next few days, that's all I focused on- 27 days, 27 days, 27 days!  I got so stinkin' stressed out and anxious that I was a nervous wreck.  Then I started focusing on God.  That's when everything began to fall together.  Have you ever heard that quote "Don't focus on the size of your waves, focus on the size of your God."? I love that!  It's so true.  When you realize just how big and awesome and powerful God is, the circumstances in your life certainly start to shrink in both size and intensity.  Soon, those stressful situations get turned into adventures where you get to see God move in ways you could have never imagined.  That's what's been happening to me.  Now, I think it's kind of fun when something seems impossible to do.  Then, I wait in anticipation and say, "Okay, God, I can't wait to see how you're gonna pull this one off!" He sure is a lot more creative than I : ) This isn't to say I don't still have my moments of doubt- that strikes us all- I just think God has taught me a lot over these past few weeks about resting in His perfect provision and timing.

We studied Deuteronomy 8 at Eikon last week...not my typical book of study, but it was perfect for what I was going through!  I felt like I had taken this big step to go to Patmos (and like I mentioned earlier) started freaking out.  I was confused and didn't know if I had made the right decision- I was reluctant to tell some people because it felt like it wasn't really going to happen.  Looking back, it was a whole bunch of the Devil clouding up my vision and causing me to doubt God's ability.  So, basically, I felt like I was just wandering around, in what I like to call "the funk."  You know those times when God seems so far away, but you know for a fact that He's right there?  You know those times when you try your very hardest to pray and study the Bible, but it's just not "happening"? That's where I was.  I was doing everything I thought was right, but something was missing.  Sounds a lot like the Israelites, now doesn't it?

Deuteronomy 8:2-5
2 Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.

As soon as the pastor read this, I went "That's why!" That's why I'm feeling this way.  God hasn't abandoned me- He's LED ME IN THE DESERT.  HE LED ME THERE!  God wanted to see how I would survive on the bare minimum- no warm, fuzzy feelings during worship time- no scenes with His overwhelming presence.  How will she react when it seems like everything she "needs" is gone...except for Me?  I think a lot of times we get so fixated on the "perfect worship set" or the lighting effects or the pastor who uses crazy illustrations or the people who go to church with us.  We forget that it has nothing to do with us or the people around us.  Forget all that junk- I just want Jesus!  I realized that no matter how put together everything is around me, it all felt like chaos without my eyes fixed in the right place.  I remember saying, "God, you feel so far away!" And, then I thought- my relationship with Christ shouldn't be based on feelings, but on truth.  Feelings come and go- blaze and wane- but, truth...that's here to stay!  Clinging to the truth of God's promises and holding fast to His Word is what gets us though the desert. 

3 He humbled you...

He also humbled me.  That's for sure.  You know those times when you think, "Finally! I'm doing something right- yes!" Well, God likes to remind us real quick that it's not us doing the good, but Him.  As soon as I tried with my strength, I once again realized that I was incapable.  I bet God's up there going, "I wonder just how many times we'll have to go over this with her." Praise the Lord for His loving patience with this kid : )

...causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. 4 Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years.



To say that He caused me to hunger might be an understatement! I had been on this spiritual high for a few weeks and was so used to everything going my way.  I bet most of you know this- it's no secret: it's so much easier to praise God when everything is good and dandy than when the going gets tough.  Isn't it?  So, God did prepare me for the wilderness.  He showed me time and time again answered prayers, open doors for opportunities, and friendships that propelled me further into His arms.  But when all the cushion around your relationship with Christ is no longer there, how do you react?  For me, it was a whole lotta drama queen and not a lot of clinging to the Word.  But, that's what the wilderness is for.  To teach us, to humble us, to remind us that He is all we need. 

And, I don't know if you caught verse 4, but the Israelites wandered for FORTY YEARS with clothes that didn't wear out, with feet that didn't swell.  In the desert.  That's just amazing.  So God.  He tests us, but He doesn't stop caring for us.  He supernaturally provides for our wilderness experiences, no matter how long they might drag on. 

So, a spiritual battle was alive in my heart, and I remember saying on Wednesday afternoon (before Eikon), "Okay, I give up.  I'm defeated.  I'm sick and tired of trying."  Christian- don't ever say that!  I might as well have said, "Devil, you win. You are victorious over Christ."  Ouch- how that must have broken my Savior' heart!  Jesus died so that I wouldn't be defeated, yet there I was declaring my defeat.  The same lips that sing "Your Grace is Enough" and "Mighty to Save" were saying, "God, you can't do it."  It's seriously like an arrow to the heart when I remember my attitude then, but praise God for new mercies and faithfulness each morning!

5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.

After hearing this message on Wednesday, I was reminded of purpose in the wild.  God didn't lead me there to punish or to torture me, but to refine me and develop my character.  He's a God of love, a God whose discipline we should enjoy because it ultimately makes us more like Him.  Too bad I was busy throwing a temper tantrum (boy, do I have a lot of growing up to do!).

But, all in all, lesson learned.  Thank You, Dad, for seeing the big picture, even if I seem miserable and disappointed in the process!  His wisdom never ceases to amaze me, especially when I look back and see His hand guiding me.

So, one last little tid bit...you should read the next part in Deuteronomy 8, especially if you're "in the wild" right now.

6 Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. 7 For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; 8 a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; 9 a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. 10 When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you.

With great obedience comes great reward.  God doesn't ignore your hard work.  When I read this passage, the word that keeps coming to mind is "lush." God is doing all this to bring us to a lush land, to a promised place where our needs are met and our expectations are widly exceeded!

My wilderness period didn't last for forty years, because God knew I wouldn't survive.  Each and every day, He's using life's situations and trials to develop my character and reveal His character to me.  There's no doubt, I'll have more wilderness experiences to come, but I should be better prepared.  For now, I've arrived at the last verse.  Praising the Lord for the good He has given me.  May I never forget it. Ever.

Here I Go. Patmos 2010.

The moment I was anticipating since Wednesday finally came.  Each time a new piece of email came to my phone, I immediately checked to see if it was a response from my Patmos interview.  This morning- the moment finally came.

"Congratulations!  You have been accepted into the Summer 2010 3-month term of Patmos: Reality Discipleship in Campo Mourao, Brazil."  It went on to remind me that PATMOS BRAZIL STARTS IN 27 DAYS!!!  AHHHHHH!

Part of me leaps with excitement, and the other part shrinks back with nervousness and anxiety about what is to come.  I know that I will leave as one person and come back as someone completely different.  To tell you that I am completely at ease would be a lie.  I will be leaving my friends and family for three months with people I don't know in a country I've never visited.  But one thing is for sure:  "The Lord works all things together for the good of those who love Him," and He has plans "to prosper, not to harm."

In Patmos terms, I will be "challenged for the purpose of change." I will be pushed beyond my own human limitations to discover what it really means to depend fully upon the saving grace of God.  I will be stretched and poured out.  I will decrease so that He will increase.  And I will learn what it means to "be crucified with Christ."

All for the glory of God.  My life is not my own.  Just like the video I posted yesterday said, "It's not what you can get from God, but what God can get from you."  This summer, I'm laying it all down to see what God can do with me. 

But, I can't do it alone.  I need all the support I can get.  Starting today, please partner with me in prayer as I prepare to tithe this season of my life.  Pray that passport and visa documentation will go through without any issues.  Pray that God begins to break down barriers in my heart that keep me anxious.  Pray for peace in the midst of this chaotic preparation (26 days!).  Pray that all the doctor's visits, paperwork, and plane arrangements pan out the way they're supposed to.

Pray that God provides over $6,000 financially that I will need for this experience.  I am confident in Christ that He will accomplish above and beyond what we can ask, think, or imagine.  In my mind, $6,000 is a lot of money that I don't have, but hello- I serve the King of the Universe!  I think He can manage a measly $6,000.  I'm counting the financial aspect as just one more challenge in trusting God.  Oh, and did I mention that He holds time in His hands?  Beginning and the end?  I'm thinking He's more than capable.   It's just about me being calm and resting in His perfect peace in the process.

I will keep you all updated as things progress.  In the meantime, pray, pray, pray and please share this link with anyone interested in supporting me.

If you want, you can leave a comment letting me know what you're praying for.  Two weeks before I leave, I have to turn in a prayer support sheet, listing people committed to praying for me on a specific day of the week for a very specific need.  I'll post about that tomorrow once I have time to set up a sheet.

For more info about Patmos, check out http://www.realitydiscipleship.org/ : )

Let the crazy adventure begin!

Inquiring Mind

Have you ever felt that God was telling you something, but in your mind, you questioned if it was really Him?  Or...have you ever felt God leading you to do something, but it seems crazy and scary and impossible in a short amount of time? 

That's where I'm at. 

I want to trust and have faith, but my inquiring mind never rests.  I analyze too much without just taking the step of faith He is calling me to (or I think He is calling me to).  What happens when you have to make a decision and all options are areas where He can be glorified?  Does He have a specific answer as to which avenue to take, or is it up to us?

Talking with many Christian brothers and sisters has reminded me that He will open and close doors as He sees fit.  He has opened a door, and I'm going to take it.  I'm not sure if this avenue will be a short trip and simple test of faith or it will turn into something bigger.  Please keep me in your prayers for clarity and understanding as I journey down this unexpected avenue.  I don't want to get into details, but I know God will direct you to pray for me as needed. 

Be Like a Duck

Is it weird that as far as I feel from God, I feel like He still talks to me? In the midst of my crazy, messy life, I find myself thanking Him for the wonderful little things that He chooses to sprinkle in my life.

It was the weirdest thing, but yesterday I saw so many ducks. I ran into the first one in the CVS parking lot before class. He was hanging out near my car and reluctantly moved from his puddle to allow me to enter the driver side. Then, when I was studying in the UC, I saw two more just waddling around the pond. I felt like they were everywhere. And the greatest thing was that they made me laugh. The way they shake their little tail feathers whenever they get water on them. Or right after they close their wings after a short flight….there they go again, doing the shake.

I don’t know why that was so funny to me, but it’s refreshing to find joy in the simple things. When I saw them nibbling on the grass, it reminded me that even when we can’t supply ourselves, God already has it figured out. Wish trusting Him was as easy as the ducks make it seem.