It Can't Be Me.

Honestly, Chelsea, you’ve just gotta believe.


And you’ve gotta stop trying so hard. You have to believe that God will do what He says He will do. Stop trying to do it on your own.

Words right out of my friend’s mouth. Couldn’t have said it better myself. I’ve been struggling lately. I don’t think that’s something I should say as if it isn’t an everyday occurrence. As Christians, we must expect struggle. We have an enemy who works when we least expect, who steals our hearts and motivations when we don’t keep guard. To say the Christian life is a struggle is an understatement. It’s a battle- an everyday battle where we must choose who to serve. It’s not a once in a lifetime choice- it’s a day to day decision. We choose whether to follow the flesh or follow the Spirit. I digress.

Anyway, I’ve been trying it on my own again. Essentially I’ve been trying to be a Christian without Christ for about two days. I go through the routine of devotion, pray with some passion, and read Scripture. I feel dead compared to my devotional life just a few days before, but what happened? Why do I make such a simple thing so complicated?

Jesus says to have the faith of a child, so why do I worry about the fine details? Why do I question things when I should just have faith and believe? Part of me says that pursuing God should be easy, for the Scriptures say, “If you seek me with all your heart, you will find Me.” But the bigger part of me says it’s harder than that. Having a relationship with the King of the Universe has to be more elaborate, more difficult, more governed by rules. More. Just more.

It’s this constant argument within me. I think I have it right and I’ve got it figured out, but the truth is I will never have it figured out. And the moment I think that I do is the moment I’ve surrendered to the flesh in believing that I in myself am sufficient.

I try to seek as hard as I can on my own strength, but it is the Holy Spirit within me that I must maintain as my guide. I can read as many books, as many Scripture passages as I want, but without discernment and conviction from the Holy Spirit, I might as well not have read them at all.

Pastor Chet said tonight that in the first century, if 95% of the Spirit left the church, the church would fall apart. But if 95% of the Spirit left the church today, we would still press on. We would continue with our meaningless programs, our ridiculous list of events that are absolutely hollow without Jesus in them.

I have lost what it means to be lead by the Spirit. I have slipped into a lapse of reason instead of pure passion fired by Jesus. I have let my head get too wrapped up in matters of the Spirit. Sometimes, okay, most times, my head won’t comprehend what God has to say. I wasn’t built with the capacity to understand how God was there before there was anything. I can’t understand that He holds time and isn’t bound by time. I don’t get how He can stay the same day after day after day without changing. And I don’t get how Someone so perfect and holy in and of Himself would choose to even spend time concerned with the details of my life. My mind doesn’t get it. But I must have faith that it’s true. Matters of the Spirit aren’t always matters of the mind.

I can’t box God up. I can’t discover God based upon the experiences of others. I can’t simply accept society’s view of God. I have to make this journey my own. He desires for me to know Him as intimately as He knows me. I was made to worship and I was made to bring Him the glory.

Honestly, Chelsea, you just gotta believe.