Miss Independent

I like to think I'm independent. I like to think I can handle whatever comes my way on my own. Is it just me, or don't we all? Isn't it so much easier to just deal with it yourself instead of involving everyone, instead of bothering them with all your problems and dragging them down with you?

My junior year dance solo was to the song "Miss Independent" by Kelly Clarkson. Here are some of the lyrics:

Miss Independent,
Miss Self-sufficient,
Miss Keep-your-distance.

Miss Unafraid,
Miss Out-of-my-way,
Miss Don't let a man interfere, no.

Miss On-her own,
Miss Almost grown,
Miss Never let a man help her off her throne.

So, by keeping her heart protected,
She'll never, ever feel rejected,
Little Miss Apprehensive,
Said ooh, she fell in love.

(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door,
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real,
What happened to Miss Independent's

No longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true.

 

Although I didn't know it at the time, this song describes me perfectly. I am more content keeping my heart closed off and hidden, covering whatever I don't want people to see, and often pushing them away as a result. It's not because I want to, it's because that's my natural instinct.

I'm sure you can relate- I feel like I'm supposed to have it figured out. I feel like, as a Christian, I am supposed to know the right thing to say or do, and know the right time to say it. But I don't. I feel like I shouldn't avoid the very God I love, but I do. I feel like I should follow His lead, but instead I follow my own and make it seem as if everything is hunky dory (spellcheck? : ).

It's not, it's not okay. These past few months have been incredibly insane, and while I tend to blame it on the stress of school, I know deep down that it's something more. I'm not right with God- I'm not into Him like I used to be. I'm not pursuing Him like He wants me to. Period. That's what's wrong. And if everything around me gets right, no matter how good it all seems, nothing will be right because that's still wrong.

The puzzle isn't complete without His piece, but why am I having such a hard time lately surrendering to Him? I know His plans are better than mine. I know His word is good and true. I know He will provide peace that surpasses all understanding.

Yet I choose to be Miss Independent, a girl telling Him to keep His distance. It's not what I want, but honestly, I don't even have the motivation to change it. And I know that's a dangerous place to be.

I was reading some of my blog posts (All that Sparkles) from last year and almost starting crying at some of the things I read. The stories I had forgotten. The times God showed up when I didn't expect Him to. Reading about enjoying life with Him made me long for it all over again. I want that, but not that sacrifice. I want to know Him, but not the hours of Bible study. I feel like right now, it would be just one more thing to add to my to do list.  What is that? What in the world is my problem lately?

My Life

Good Reminders

Found:  http://www.welivenow.org/

Real People Are More Interesting.

Sorry I haven’t kept up with this lately. Here goes my ever-lame excuse: school. No, I’m not being dramatic about the incredibly massive amount of homework and tests and projects and research papers and quizzes and…well, you get my point. The professors are definitely conspiring against us this semester- Nova students are in agreement.

But, enough about complaining- I spend too much of my life wasted on that when I should be living. So…we have a new project in my Mass Media class (one that I’m actually kind of excited about, should I find the time to complete it : ).

We have to create our own mass medium content (i.e. radio show, TV series, magazine, newspaper, book, etc.) I’m designing a magazine- not quite sure of the name yet, but I’ll give you the rundown. Basically, it’s going to be stories, stories of everyday people living ordinary but interesting lives. I don’t know about you, but I LOVE running into those people that can just captivate you with a good story. Whether it’s about their first love, children, religion, an embarassing moment, whatever- I am going to compile these stories. Oh, and my favorite part- photos. Sort of photo journalism- whether it's raw portraits of the "storyteller" or pictures that depict their story.  I want it to come from an unusual angle- opening the magazine will be like rediscovering the world, and rediscovering the people around you who have so much to contribute but often go unnoticed or unheard.  A definite coffee shop feel, very casual, and genuine.  Yeah, genuine- that's the key here!

Sound like a good idea? Sound kinda cheesy? I’m thinking a combination of them both, but I’m hoping for the best. The way I see it in my mind, it’s gonna be great! But, we all know how that goes sometimes…lol.

So, part of my Thanksgiving Break will be spent shooting photos and capturing stories. It’s fun to see excitement in the mundane, and I am usually very guilty for forgetting that. Maybe this little (well, big) project will help.

If I run into you- no hesitation- you must cooperate fully, or else…I fail. Haha, just kidding. But, hey, it made you want to share, right?

(Oh, and model credit to Morgie up there for being "real" in front of the camera...hope she doesn't mind this one : )